Have you ever had these days where you can’t find the motivation to get up in the morning? Doing anything to not wake up and put your feet on the floor? Putting your phone on airplane mode and hiding your face under the covers to create an illusion that the sun hasn’t risen and that everyone else is asleep too. It happens to me. The reasons are different though. It might be because I cheated on my diet the day before and all the bloating just makes me feel guilty, unmotivated and embarrassed even, or the anxiety about my future studies, jobs, the interview I never heard back from, being ghosted by a guy I really liked, my family pressuring me to get married because all of my friends are, not being able to follow through my To-Do list, not hearing back from my friends, just anything! This time it was everything.
I was overwhelmed by all these emotions that I can’t afford to feel. Addressing them requires courage and energy, which I don’t think I have enough of. The rush of powerlessness and comparison coupled with anxiety is not a good look on anybody, certainly not me. On top of that, if you have an amazingly loving family, you feel even more guilty for letting them down. Having read lots of books and listening to amazing podcasts, I know the one thing that should help. That is gratitude. It has helped in the past but what if you have no will left anymore? The will to look at the glass that is half full. I am exhausted trying to resolve the inner conflicts and would rather just sit in bed all day, watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and eating caramel popcorn if it were up to me.
I feel sad when I feel lonely, being left behind and not belonging anymore, to anyone. I guess everyone does. But the complicated thing is I have felt lonely even when I do have company. There are problems in everyone’s life that they have no control over whatsoever. My anxiety stems from these problems. Not having power over my life, not knowing my next move forces me to be in a chronic fight and flight mode and every once in a while all these problems just pile up and that is the reason behind my panic attacks. I read in an article that at the core of mental health struggles is a sense of powerlessness. The things we do to gain power are just remarkable! For example, just today I threw out all the clothes from my closet on the floor and just let them stay there. It made me feel in control. The mess I caused was my fault, I was responsible and only I would clean it up, if I wanted to. It must be difficult to understand the logic behind this but I needed it. It helped. See, all the other problems that have led to such a huge mess in my life were not really my fault. Those things happened unexpectedly and pulled the rug from under my feet, leaving me no option but to fall and fall hard.
It might even come as a surprise to my friends and family, because like everyone, I also put up a fake smile and pretend that everything is great! But I am struggling. I have been for quite some time and no, it’s not been great at all. The darkness finds me sooner than later and I am torn. If you are expecting me to share an insight with you right now and a happy picture of me at the end of this blog revealing how I overcome such days, then no, that is not happening. This is not what this blog is going to be about. I will show my vulnerable self and the truth. Which is that I am sitting alone at a café, sipping green tea and fighting back tears. I hate to make a scene publically and will pretend to be writing an email. If only I could shout out loud and tell everyone about the horrible morning I had, how I have spent this entire day mentally listing the things I hate about myself and picking up fights with anyone who talked to me . How I have wanted to cry all day but somehow feel drained. Questioning constantly, why? And for how long will this go on?
And well about overcoming this day, I took a shower and wore the only sweater I did not throw on the floor. About the rest of the mess, I hope someone helps me pick it up .
