I am ready to date! It’s been almost 2 years since I have been on a ‘boy break’. My friends insisted that I take one. Since 14 years of age I have always had my mind occupied by some guy or the other . From a crush to a situationship, I have let men take the driver’s seat in my mind. Their opinion of me, their validation has determined my moods, likes, dislikes and worst of all my self worth. The patriarchal society has played an important role in this process. I am more concerned about what the men think than what the women think in my life. When the first man you fall in love with, the first one to give you those butterflies in the stomach tells you that you are not worthy of being seen around with him and that his friends will make fun seeing you two together leaves a mark on a 15 year old’s mind. I trusted him, showed him my real self and felt safe with him. Only for it all to be taken away, by him. It did not feel good to be someone’s secret , to be hidden from the real world. Although the virtual world was nothing less than a dream, I had no place in his real world. Something I have not been able to let go off. From a series of rejections that I have faced in personal and in professional life , I have always reasoned it back to me not being worthy of those successes . I have always been complimented about my beauty, mind, and kindness but it’s not enough! It’s never been able to overshadow the harshness of words said by the men in my life.
I have believed in the love that develops over time and have often found myself falling for a friend, a batchmate or a colleague. I carry some insecurities with me but the comfort of someone in the same arena makes me feel heard and connected. Only till the time they decided to abandon me . When someone leaves you for another person who is also your friend, shares your friend circle, you feel loneliness on another level. Being left out messes with your confidence and doubt takes the lead. Is that person better than me? Am I not as beautiful as she is? Why did he leave me for her? What do our friends really think? Sadly , these questions are never answered. My words might make you feel sorry for me. I spent most of my adulthood feeling the same.
One thing about life that is certain is change. Someone new might come from nowhere and you feel those butterflies again. But for how long? The cycle begins all over again. That is why I needed a break! A break to separate myself from this negative self talk, from a sad reality to be able to create a new one for myself . A break to heal myself of the traumas. To analyse where was going wrong. What can I do in the future to not fall prey to such emotional abuse! The answer was within me. It took almost 2 years for me to realise how wrong I was! The only opinion and narrative that matters is my own and if I kept on living with the victim mentality, nothing was going to change for me. Having a forgiving early approach wasn’t working for me. So I started holding people accountable for their unkind behaviour and made some healthy boundaries to protect my energy. It has been a remarkable transformation for me!
Recently, I have had a lot of free time and I want to do things that challenge me. Writing a blog, publishing a podcast, signing up for a dance class are all one of them. All these years I have tried to occupy less space. To not stand alone. To get lost in the crowd . My healing journey has taught me that I deserve to be seen and heard, exactly as I am with my imperfections and my virtues. I am worthy of occupying as much space as the next person. In order to do that , I need to be seen as a whole. So, in an attempt to put myself out there, knowing that I am vulnerable to rejection and comments, and projections of other people . I will still have faith and hope to guide me.
I have never met a stranger in real life that I met online before. It scares me that they might think that I look prettier in pictures and not in person, or might ghost me after meeting me or the worst, I might see the disappointment on their face when they see me . It has happened before. But still, these are not the reasons good enough to keep me from experiencing love! The cost of not putting myself out there is lack of feeling connected and I am not going to deprive myself of that! The one feeling that is worth all the trauma and heartbreak and rejections .
A guy I met online a week back seems great and can hold a conversation well. I don’t know him well enough to form an opinion but I have enjoyed talking to him. I was the one to propose meeting in real life, as I can no longer wonder if the virtual and real would ever sync. It’s my time to figure it out. Honestly, I am scared! The fear has taken over me and I had decided to cancel the plan last night. What if these 2 years were not enough for me to heal? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I get hurt…again? These questions are valid and have occupied my mind for the last couple of days. Today, I woke up ,looked at myself in the mirror and felt pretty! Maybe it’s not about what he thinks at all! It’s about me taking a leap of faith. That’s it! That is my intention for today. I meet him in the evening and all the doubt, uneasiness, discomfort is going to take a back seat. I am going to be seen! All that I am, and all that I know is enough for me. The question is, is he ready for me? Guess we will find out today .
