I did not know I was going to remember that day forever ! I anticipated it to be full of emotions and excitement, barely slept the previous night. Mohit had asked me to be ready to go by 5 in the morning . “Bhoomi, we are going out to my favourite spot! Don’t be late”, Mohit was thrilled. Ever since his father passed away he has not travelled much, except for the family trips with his mother to their hometown. Even though I am not very fond of travelling, I wanted to spend time with him. It had not been an easy year for the both of us. This was going to be the last time we would spend time together before our exams and the pressure to get accepted into good universities .He picked me up at 5 sharp. On the back seat of his car he had a carry-on bag and a picnic basket. I was wondering if he wanted me to bring something for the trip.
“Hey, why is there a picnic basket?” I asked although I knew the answer.
“So, my favorite spot is not a hotel or a cottage, it’s a….” he took a pause to say “ it’s a surprise! Don’t ask too many questions Bhoomi . Just have fun and trust me. Do you trust me?”
I had an answer, YES! I did trust him. I trusted him the most. Mohit has been my friend since kindergarten. He was my haven. When I didn’t feel safe at home, it was Mohit who picked me up in the middle of the night to take me to his place. He and his mother took care of me when I was vulnerable. His mother, who was going through a difficult separation from her husband after being abused for over 15 years, cared for me like her own daughter.
I never told Mohit about what happened at my family dinner a few years back. But he knew something out of the ordinary had happened. He never asked me to share it, but he always created that space where if I wanted to share, I could. With him, things were easy. He understands what the feeling of loss is and he has always been a great friend to me. Maybe he fears losing me. Or perhaps it’s me who doesn’t want to lose him.
“Of Course! I trust you. I am just anxious.” I told him.
“I know. Well then, it’s my responsibility to make you comfortable. I will do my best! Do you want to pick songs for the road?” he suggested. Mohit was that kind of person, kind, generous and thoughtful . Growing up with a dysfunctional family, he knew what he was missing. So he tried his best to do a good job with all his connections. Even in school, everyone loved him! From the teachers to the janitors, he was everyone’s favourite. He was a popular kid in school, known for his politeness. It’s difficult to not make your disappointments turn into anger. He used to be aggressive and violent but after his mother decided to leave his father, things changed for him. He still does his best and makes everyone around him feel joyous and appreciated. Could be because he never felt the same growing up.
Mohit was right, picking songs to play in the car made me less anxious. I was still excited to see his spot. We arrived at the place 3 hours later. Sun was already up but it wasn’t as warm as a June morning generally is.
“Would you be comfortable if I asked you to close your eyes?” he asked me because he knows surprises make me uncomfortable. Before I could answer he continued, “Nevermind, I am sure you will love this place!”
It was an appealing view , a small lake with wildflowers growing around it. There was a compact piece of land covered with not so green grass.The trees were towering ,deficient in leaves . The quiet is so calm , you wonder if the noise of the city could ever try to pollute it. It felt like a rarely visited spot, maybe because of the crooked trees, the fallen off leaves, the almost dried out lake. Full of flaws, yet beyond comparison. No wonder this is his favourite spot! If there could ever be a place that would be a personification of Mohit, it’s this place.
He took out the picnic rug and some pillows packed in his bag and we sat down comfortably facing the lake. We opened up the picnic basket and I was surprised to see a full meal there! He got up at 4 am to make me cheese and tomato sandwiches. Tomatoes falling out of the bread and cheese dripping in the box. He knows nothing about cooking but his thoughtfulness was touching . With the sandwiches were my favourite apricot juice boxes. And for dessert he had cut up some bananas that had changed colour to black. “Oh! I thought bananas would look prettier than that! I should not have peeled them up and cut them as a smiley face. My bad”. He said in such an adorable way. I couldn’t help but smile. He was not afraid to be embarrassed. At Least in front of me. “Haha , that’s okay. It’s a cute smiley face. Still tastes like bananas. That’s a good thing!” ,I assured him. Hearing this Mohit chuckled and looked at me as if he was staring deep into my soul. He did not blink his eyes. His smile vanished, he looked serious now. Normally being looked at that way would make me uncomfortable. But this was different. He was different. He was looking at my lips, almost thinking how it would feel to kiss them. I saw it in his eyes, a sparkle with hesitation. He did not move at all, just kept gazing at me forcing me to look down. It was then when it hit me. He wanted to kiss me! We have been friends for years now and I have had a crush on him all this while. But this was new. Then a memory came down crashing on me! I remembered the first time I was kissed. I couldn’t forget about it even if I tried. Maybe because it was still fresh. Two years back on New Years when my entire family was at my home, waiting for the clock to strike midnight. I was in my room, journaling, writing about the good things that happened to me that year and the things that I was looking forward to in the new year. It was then when my uncle barged into my room, unannounced. He asked me why I had locked myself in the room and wanted to take a look at what I was writing. I could smell the alcohol on him. He was that close! Then, almost unexpectedly, he threw my diary on the floor and got on top of me. The next thing I know, he is kissing me. More like pushing his mouth on mine, forcefully. He was not holding my wrists or my legs. I was just lying there, with him on top of me , without moving. Why didn’t I push him away? Why didn’t I fight? I could have at least tried! But I didn’t. How I felt at that moment is inexpressible. I have no recollection of the thoughts in my mind. What I do remember is my uncle stopping. Apologising and never coming back to visit us. I shared the incident with my mother and she made me see a therapist to process it all. She could not help. She did not help.
No girl ever dreams of being kissed that way. When I saw Mohit look at me in a way as if he desires me, I didn’t know what to do. I had never felt that way. I could not move, feeling almost lifeless. As I was replaying that horrific memory in my head, I felt Mohit’s hand on my arm. Slowly going up. His touch on my neck made me raise my head and look at him. He was coming closer to my face. Not taking his eyes off of me, I could feel the warmth of his breath. Those butterflies in my stomach felt real.My heart racing , he was just an inch away from me. He stopped, suddenly. Not looking at my lips anymore rather looking into my eyes. He blinked, I could see the transition, as if he was coming out of a dream . He had a different expression .I was confused. Why did he stop? Why was he backing up? Just then he subtly gestured with his head, in a way asking for my permission. My consent! Almost ready to move back if I signalled my head no. Preparing to accept rejection. Looking at him, looking at me, waiting patiently for my answer. I shut my eyes, in an attempt to remember what I was experiencing. Feeling powerful and in control of what was going to happen to my body. I nodded yes and he kissed me. Brushing his lips on mine, making me feel more alive than ever! His touch was momentary but felt like eternity. The Kiss felt soft and gentle. Exactly how I had always wanted it to be. He stepped back and I could still feel him looking at me, although my eyes were still shut. I opened my teary eyes and let the tears flow. I had created a new memory and I was going to remember it every time I closed my eyes.
Mohit and his mother moved to Australia a year later. I moved to Mumbai to pursue my MBA . Our kiss happened 5 years back. I have not talked to Mohit much in all this time and neither of us went back to that place again. But in a way, that’s still our spot. I have been kissed after that multiple times and everytime I close my eyes, I think about Mohit and it gets easier for me to let someone come closer to my body .Mohit and I were not meant to be together. He was just going to play a part in my life. To set me free, make me feel desired and wanted. I am filled with gratitude that he was my first love and first real kiss, even though he won’t be my last. I will always have the memory of his touch.