As a kid,I have always wanted to be a good friend. But I didn’t know that adult friendships are not easy. You can chill together, have beers, watch movies but what about when things get real? You can tell your friends about your embarrassing drunk stories, being rejected by your crush, or fan fiction about Star Wars, but what about when your friend is laid off by a company he spent 10 years working for? When she loses her younger brother to suicide? When he could not pass an exam on his final attempt? I have been in such situations. When the sheer news of a tragedy faced by a friend shocks you. How can one be a good friend under such circumstances? I have asked myself, what exactly to say, do, or ask that can make him feel better? How can I help? How can I make him feel loved? How can I show sufficient empathy? I had not found the perfect words until this week.
Recently, when I faced something unexpected, I was in despair, lost, embarrassed. I could not process reality. I kept on waiting for someone to pinch me and for the nightmare to be over. I hesitated to tell my friends about it, felt ashamed, unworthy, and unloved. I just did not want them to feel sorry for me. When I told my friends about it eventually, their reactions changed things for me. One sounded disappointed, one was just speechless and one tried to make it better and fix things for me. I was not ready for any of it. I felt more lonely than ever. A couple of days later, my phone buzzed and it was my friend, the one who sounded disappointed. She wrote a beautiful heartfelt message for me. Telling me that she is there for me, I am loved and appreciated. It was actually not what the message said, it was the fact that even though she didn’t know how to show empathy perfectly, she messaged me with her imperfect words and made me feel connected and far from embarrassed. What matters the most is to show up with your insufficiency exhibiting the biggest sentiment. The thing with empathy is that we don’t know the right things to say and we will fail to do the best but as long as we can be there for each other, holding space for sorrows and grief without trying to make it better. It’s sufficient.
