What a book!
Simple, you should get your hands on it right now. Don’t even read the rest of the blog. Just go for it. This book has become the non-fiction book I gift to my sisters on their birthdays and anniversaries now. It does bring about a Radical change in the reader, it did in me. Took me almost 4 months to finish reading this one, because of all the astonishing information that I had to process whilst reading it. But, it was worth it. Every page, every chapter comes across as an advice from a very experienced clinical psychologist and a best selling author, raised in India and practicing in the US.
I found myself quiet perplexed by the introduction itself. It felt like a love letter written to all the women who like the author and myself find themselves confused, rejected and out of place sometimes. Not only did the author acknowledge the issues humans deal with on an emotional level, she sits with compassion while the reader nods with every word in agreement. The book calls out the toxic patterns of patriarchy that have prejudiced women and men for centuries and offers us a sigh of relief by informing us that we are not alone in this.
With each chapter you come closer to the truths of society and the human psychology, which I found to be educative and a must to learn. Not only is the book an experience to learn things more deeply, it helps in spiritual healing as well. The words of a clinical psychologist comes with the stories of her clients and even her own personal ones to guide us through. The quotes from the book have made it to my Instagram stories and they have been much liked as well.
We are all looking to understand our own selves, our needs and the people around us. This book feels like therapy and as you turn the pages, you get much more informed and the tunnel vision widens. And you are able to see and acknowledge things that were already there in front of you but you never went deeply inward to ask the question- “What makes things this way?”
The book makes it clear that it is unrealistic to demand that one person meets all of our needs, sexual as well as emotional. It takes a village to build connections and all those connections have a part to fulfill in our conscience. Allowing our needs to be met in a variety of ways, we engage in our primary relationships with passion and wholeness.
In short, this book ensures healing by acknowledging trauma, understanding the deep rooted source of it, processing the emotions in a healthy way and most importantly, holding ourselves accountable for change. It’s the one I have on my night stand and I keep reviewing it for insights. I am thankful to Dr. Shefali for writing in such a vulnerable yet concise way and the note at the end of the book has my heart forever.
Some actionable take-aways from the book
- It’s alway so much easier to hide our vulnerable sides, the imperfections, the not “so put together” side. Yet, it’s only when women share their truths, their stories, the bare bones of them- that other women can feel safe to share theirs. We ought to rise collectively and it happens with one person at a time. One strong courageous woman at a time, then like a tidal wave, she clears the path for other women to empower and emancipate themselves.
- The problem is that “others” have played a central role in our psyche more than we ourselves have. The extent to which we are carved and curated by others is shocking and hence, the root of our sickness. The only way to heal that is to believe that you are worthy.
- There is much to be gained from sitting with a struggle.
- As women, our mandate is to help those in abusive relationships to realise the power of their choices and their right to execute them. It begins with us.
- Before we love another, we absolutely must first learn to love ourselves irrevocably and meet our own needs.
- There is no such thing as a rejection by other, only by yourself. So stop giving power to others which they obviously don’t have.
- One must possess a degree of discernment and treat people according to their intuition. Not everyone deserves to be treated the same.
- No one can simply meet our expectations and needs unless they are physically and emotionally able to and they are willing and wanting to do so.
- It takes courage to reimagine a new sense of self. To embrace the change and to eat go off the past patterns. To recognise the trauma,name it, process it and bring about a decision to not be recognised as just your past. No longer stuck in fear, passivity, servile compliance, or blame. Realising that in order to change our tomorrow, we need to refashion every single piece of who we are today.
- The more we enter the wholehearedness , the more we enter self acceptance and hence more accepting of others.